Feelings on Death
This week I have been privileged to meet with families who took the time to speak with me to plan the funeral for their loved one, while painfully grieving their loss. Something that I have come to realise is that most of us don’t tend to talk about death. So families planning funerals very often don’t know how their deceased relative felt about dying, what their wishes were for their funeral and what their beliefs are about what happens to them after they die.
And I must admit that until my training as a funeral celebrant, these are conversations I would have done my all to avoid. But the one certainty in life is that we are all going to die.
Now, I firmly believe that we can do a real service to ourselves by accepting this and preparing for this inevitability the best we can, as well as do a service to others so that they know and understand their beliefs and wishes how things can be taken care of so that some of the stress can be taken off their loved ones when they are grieving.
In terms of what happens to us after we die, for most of my life I’ve hoped that the pearly gates of heaven would be open to me and have done all I can to avoid the embers of hell, but I’m no longer as aligned with this way of thinking. I like to think that my energy will live on in the hearts and minds of others and that I will perhaps return as something but I’m not so sure if I buy into the heaven & hell concept as much now. I’m very open minded though and I understand the comfort of heaven.
I suppose I did start thinking about my own funeral when I wrote a wish list of funeral songs on the back of an ‘A’ Level history essay I submitted when I was 17 - my music choices may have contributed to a higher grade. I must dig this out. But other than that, until recently I haven’t delved too deep into what death means to me. I am quite open minded about where my funeral will be located and what will happen to my body. I do think I want a green burial, or as a life long water baby, perhaps a water cremation, and I want the funeral to be about me, my stories and how I made others feel. I want songs to feel uplifting and I want people to wear bright colours, to laugh and share a cheeky glint in their eyes.
Questions like these can be confronting when directly asked so perhaps begin by thinking about and sharing your own answers with others and then gently guiding them to share:
What are your beliefs around death and what happens to us after we die?
How do you feel about dying?
How would you like to be remembered?
What kind of send off do you wish for?
Stacey Dooley’s programme on iplayer ‘Inside the Undertakers’ might be a good watch for you if this is all very uncomfortable. This Open University page is also worth a read and a watch - Stacey Dooley: Inside the Undertakers - An OU/BBC co-production | BBC Partnership (open.ac.uk)
If you would like to build your confidence and understanding around death and ability to openly talk about it, I would highly recommend the Dying Matters Website – www.hospice.org.uk/our-campaigns/dying-matters and Coffin Club - http://coffinclub.co.uk
My heart and ears are always open to talking about this and other difficult topics – let me know if you’d like to talk.